What You Appreciate, Appreciates

Hi there,

Remember that resolution I made to be more positive this year?

Yeah. That one.

It started out great on paper and immediately got body-slammed by the news cycle, a couple of wars, a few life curveballs, and my own natural tendency to call things like I realistically see them.

The thing to know about me is I’m not a naturally sunny person. Most writers are pretty broody by nature. Where most people see silver linings, as a lawyer, I see breach of contract and emotional damages.

The bottomline is, I don’t wake up grateful for the dew on the grass. I wake up annoyed I stepped in it.

So when I set out to “be more positive,” I didn’t want to become one of those people who turn every crisis into a gratitude meme. And I definitely wasn’t trying to gaslight myself into joy. Because the way things are in the world, trying to be more positive this year felt like like putting a scented candle in a dumpster fire and calling it aromatherapy.

But, if I’m honest, I have always been suspiciously curious of people who were happy all the time. Are they even real? Sometimes, being around chronically happy people makes me nervous. Like, blink twice if you’re in a cult.

But what do they know that I don’t?

So I started small.

I wrote about and how I was learning to shift the angle of my perspective. That works pretty well because as a glass half-empty person I don’t like to waste time arguing with reality.

But here’s the companion tool that changed the whole game:

Let me explain.

Your Brain as a Bouncer

Inside your brain is a little system called the Reticular Activating System, or RAS for short. It’s the bouncer of your consciousness, a.k.a what comes into your awareness.

It decides what gets in, and what gets bounced to the curb.

There are 11 million bits of information your nervous system processes per second. You’re consciously aware of about 40. That’s it.

So how does your brain decide what makes the cut?

Relevance.

If something is important to you, consciously or unconsciously, your RAS will flag it. Meaning, it will let it in.

That’s why the second you think, “I need new jeans,” suddenly everyone’s outfit is screaming denim. Or you’re trying to drink more water and now all you see are people walking around with emotional support water bottles.

Those things were always there. But your brain started tagging them as more relevant when you put your focus there.

Same with negativity.

• If you believe people are rude, your brain will scan the environment and find rude people.

• If you believe the world is falling apart, you’ll collect daily evidence.

• If you think your partner is emotionally unavailable, your RAS will cue up a highlight reel.

But.

• If you believe there is good, your brain will start noticing it.

• If you choose to notice progress, i.e. your child remembering to say “thank you,” or yourself making it out of bed without hitting snooze, you will start to see that happening more.

It’s not because the world changed. It’s because your filter of relevance is turned on to put a flashlight on those things. So that what gets magnified gets multiplied.

What Gets Noticed, Gets Nurtured

Psychologist John Gottman spent decades studying couples. His research could predict with 90% accuracy which couples would divorce based on their interactions.

His major finding was the Magic Ratio: 5:1.

For every one negative interaction (criticism, eye-roll, complaint), a relationship needs five positive interactions (praise, laughter, affection, acknowledgment) to stay healthy.

In other words: You don’t have to become a compliment machine. You just have to start noticing what’s good.

And saying it.

• “Thank you for making coffee.”

• “You were really patient with the kids tonight.”

• “I love that you took out the trash without me asking.”

None of that costs anything. But it compounds.

This same principle applies to parenting, friendships, even your relationship with yourself.

Practice > Personality

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “Isn’t this just putting lipstick on the apocalypse?”

No.

This isn’t about pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s not ignoring red flags or bypassing reality.

This is about attention economics.

You have a finite amount of mental bandwidth. And the more you spend it chasing what’s broken, the less capacity you have to build what’s beautiful.

Even my gremlin brain, the one that’s pretty sure optimism is a scam invented by yoga teachers and people who clap when planes land, is starting to catch on. It isn’t about faking positivity. It’s about choosing your focus. Because attention is the most underrated form of power.

Here’s the best part: You don’t have to be a naturally positive person.

You just have to practice appreciation. If you want to retrain your filter, try this micro-practice:

• Set a timer and every hour, catch one thing that’s going well today. Write it down. That’s it.

• Notice one strength in someone you love. Say it out loud.

• When your brain spins into “what’s wrong,” pause. Ask: What’s also true?

That’s not toxic positivity. That’s what I call realistic resilience.

READER POLL

Final Thought

Maybe the people who seem “more positive” than us aren’t wired differently. Maybe they’ve just trained their RAS. Maybe they’ve practiced appreciation enough that it’s become muscle memory.

Or maybe they’re unicorns who fart jasmine-scented fairy dust. I don’t know.

But I do know this: the world will always sell you fear.
It will feed you outrage and seduce you to numb out.
But you get to choose what you magnify.

I set that resolution to be more positive this year, and I’ll be honest, I thought it was a long shot. But here’s what I’ve figured out: positivity isn’t a personality trait. It’s a decision, a gritty, stubborn, daily decision.

So no, you don’t need to become someone different or wait until life gets easier. In a world that profits off your panic, shifting your focus to notice what’s good right now is a quiet form of rebellion.

You just need to remember:
Your gaze has gravity.

And wherever you place it, life starts to organize itself around it.

So place it well.

What you appreciate, appreciates.

See you next week,

Shakila

P.S. Here’s some reader comments, keep ‘em coming!