The Dark Side of Gratitude

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Hey beautiful mind,

Comedian and writer of Saturday Night Live, Colin Jost, recently wrote a memoir. I haven’t read it, but I laugh every time I see the title: "A Very Punchable Face: A Memoir."

But let me tell you, there’s no one I want to punch in the face more than those who silver-line everything. Jost doesn’t fall into that category (I don’t think… I don’t know him), but his book title got me thinking about those rainbows and unicorns people who constantly urge you to focus on the positive and find reasons to be grateful. You know who I mean—those annoying toxic positivity people who insist on looking on the bright side.

It's not that their advice is bad. In fact, looking to find the upside can be helpful. But if gratitude and positivity are overly used or used in a way to escape uncomfortable feelings, then it’s counterproductive.

The Denial Dance 

Here’s the thing: humans are lazy. We don’t want to do hard things. Facing hard emotions is, well… hard. So we’d rather do anything but come face to face with them. Living on easy street, we like to force ourselves to 'stay positive' at all costs. We coax one another to stay positive and count our blessings. When we do this, we risk turning gratitude into a hollow exercise rather than a heartfelt appreciation of our experiences—including the challenging ones.

The truth is you can't genuinely embrace positivity and gratitude without facing and experiencing the negative parts. Skipping over the tough and messy parts won’t work. There's no skipping steps here.

When we desperately grasp for gratitude and positivity, it’s called emotional bypassing and it’s a form of coping and escapism from hard emotions. It definitely isn't the same as being truly positive or grateful. It's more about avoidance and denial.

And few things in life make me want to scream into a pillow more than those who take shortcuts, avoid their emotions, and then insist you do the same and join them in their denial dance. It's like they're offering you sunglasses in the middle of the night. Not helpful. Not cool. And definitely makes your face more punchable.

The Comparison Conundrum

But here's another kicker about our wayward human ways: have you ever noticed how our gratitude always seems to hinge on comparison with others? It makes me think of a quote by the 13th-century Persian poet Saadi Shirazi:

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

At first glance, this seems like a humbling reminder to appreciate what we have. But as I thought more deeply (always dangerous) about this, I realized I had a bone to pick with this dead poet. Why is my gratitude dependent on someone else having less? Why am I only content with my shoes when I see someone without feet?

Gratitude, in this light, feels a bit... competitive, doesn't it? It's like we're saying, "Well, at least I'm better off than that guy." Call me crazy, but it just doesn’t sit well with me.

Gripes with Unhealthy Gratitude 

It seems that this kind of comparison can trap us in a cycle of ups and downs. One minute we're grateful because someone else has less; the next, we're envious because someone else has more. With 8 billion people to compare ourselves to, that’s gonna be one heck of an up and down roller coaster ride!

And if our gratitude is based on others' misfortunes, what happens when those misfortunes disappear? Do we become less grateful if everyone suddenly has shoes and feet? Do we react in anger or lash out because we feel threatened that our relative advantage is getting encroached on and that we’ll have less, lose our edge, suffer more, or have to work harder, etc.? See where this gets us? Are we always going to be on the hunt for someone with less or worse off to make us feel better?

Come to think of it, my deepest moments of gratitude have often bubbled up organically, like laughter at a good joke, awe at a striking sunset, or tears at a sappy movie. Those weren’t things that I had to “practice.” Those were raw and real. So in that light, true gratitude isn’t a daily checklist— it’s more of an intense, all encompassing awareness that bubbles up spontaneously from the core of our body. If you have to force it every morning, it’s performative, not profound.

So, maybe gratitude isn't a task for the rational mind—maybe it's a natural way of being? A natural state that emerges when we clear out the emotional clutter, stop the avoid-dance, and constant comparisons.

But until those spontaneous moments of grace and humility arise from deep within and wash over us, we don’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water as they say (how did we ever get this strange saying? I mean, did some idiot actually toss out a baby at some point? Anyhow, I digress). What I’m saying is that we can still make gratitude lists if it helps, as long as we’re not shortcutting or bypassing.

READER POLL

Shifting the Script to Healthy Gratitude

So, with Thanksgiving and the holidays around the corner, gratitude will be the word on everyone's lips. But what if this holiday season, we did gratitude differently? Could it be possible to cultivate it without the toxic positivity, bypassing, or falling into the dreaded comparison trap? Here’s some simple ways that I’ve found helpful:

By stepping away from fake, superficial positivity and embracing our true emotions (even the bad ones), we open the door to a deeper connection and a more fulfilling sense of gratitude—one that doesn't rely on comparisons or denial, but on authentic appreciation for all of life's experiences.

Ultimately, like most things in life — the magic is in holding two truths at once, without stepping on someone else's toes (shoeless or not) to lift yourself up.

Wishing you genuine positivity & gratitude,

Shakila

p.s. Here’s the results of last week’s poll.