7 Well-Meaning Phrases I’ve Learned Not to Say When Someone's Hurting

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Hi beautiful mind,

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. My Gen Zen niece and I were sprawled out on the sofa spending some quality time together… scrolling through our phones. 🙈

I rolled my eyes when she stopped on a TikTok video of a girl crying publicly on camera because she hadn’t gotten a call back for a job interview.

"Back in my day," I began, "we didn’t need all this emotional validation stuff. We had grit. We had gumption.”

We just buried our feelings like normal people and called it “character” building. 🤣

Just as I was about to step more firmly onto my soapbox, she shot me a look that could curdle milk.

She said, "You have no idea how she feels, and throwing how “tough” you are in someone’s face doesn't make anyone feel better and isn’t very connecting."

Hmm, was I getting schooled in the art of empathy by a teenager…?

We've all been there – a co-worker, friend, or loved one is going through a tough time, and we desperately want to help. But we are not very comfortable with the discomfort of “bad” feelings. So we rush to solutions or bypass with positivity.

And for some reason, we’ve learned to say some of the strangest things when times get tough. Sometimes, even our most well-intentioned words can fall flat, or worse, do more harm than good.

As I fumbled for a quick recovery, she saved both of us from another barrage of unhelpful clichés that I was about to lodge into. She said, "You know, what you choose to say to someone matters.”

And that's when it hit me. All this time, I'd dismissed her generation's need for validation and connection as a weakness. But in reality, could they be onto something?

I believe that people are inherently good. We want to be helpful and make others feel good. But being with someone in distress is hard. And holding space for the tension of not so great feelings to exist is even harder.

My YouTube mentor (yes, that’s a thing!) Gene Gendlin captured the essence of human connection perfectly when he said:

Our deepest desire as humans is to be seen and understood. And that is the motivation behind much of our behavior. And our main tool, language, can connect or disconnect us, which is why our words and the effect they have matter.

Well-intentioned but unhelpful phrases

Even though we say these things on auto-pilot and without much thought, what may seem like well-meaning phrases and all the emphasis on motivational, toxic positivity can actually make us feel empty and even more isolated and dismissed.

Think about the last time you were going through something and you heard these gems of wisdom. Then think about how they made you feel.

Shifting our language

The interaction with my niece that day taught me that being supportive isn't about having all the right words or a quick-fix solution– it's about being present, listening, and letting them know they're not alone. And just getting comfortable with holding the tension and discomfort of a bad situation without running, fixing, or covering it up.

So, I’m learning to stop saying these things because a small shift in what I say to someone can make a huge difference and build a bridge of connection.

Reach for a H.U.G. 

If I ever have a brain freeze and forget how to be human with another human, I use this little acronym to jog my memory:

• H - Hear them out (listen actively without interrupting or wanting to slip in your two cents)

• U - Understand and validate their feelings (really try and get how it has been for them)

• G - Get curious about how you can support them (instead of assuming you know the fix)

With the H.U.G., I can show empathy, offer support, and respect their struggle through the process. It's like wrapping them in a cozy blanket of connection and understanding without smothering them with unwanted advice, forced positivity, or false comfort.

And in case this isn’t obvious, there's always the option of a real hug. It might not solve everything, but it probably can't hurt!

When it’s all said and done, I may still roll my eyes at TikTok dances, but I've learned to appreciate that these Gen Z’ers maybe onto something about our need for human connection and validation.

But wait… why so serious? 🤣😂🤣

Sometimes, the best form of human connection is to laugh at ourselves.

This is 💯 worth the watch!

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Thanks for reading and sharing.

See you next Sunday! 👋

Xo,

Shakila