The Instinct Trap

Hey there,

The train was packed during rush hour and my ears tuned into one of those conversations you can’t unhear.

Woman 1: “So, are you still dating Ben?”

Woman 2: “Oh no, I ended that a while ago.” 

Woman 1: “Why? He seemed great!”

Woman 2: “He didn’t own boat shoes.”

Woman 1: “Wait – WHAT? You ended it because he didn’t own boat shoes?”

Woman 2: “Yes. Boat shoes,” said in a steady tone, like she was stating a perfectly reasonable fact.

My ears perked… this wasn’t the usual hot-mess breakup story I was expecting. 

It was the actual, unfiltered reality of the well-dressed, professional 30-something woman who looked like she had a LinkedIn Premium account and actively used it.

And here she was, sinking a man’s romantic potential over footwear.

At first, I dismissed her as picky or shallow. 

But then I asked myself: what’s really at play here? 

Why do some feel like even the smallest detail—like footwear—can make or break a relationship, while other smart, successful women I work with struggle to find a suitable match?

Hypergamy 101: Why Boat Shoes Matter (Apparently)

Let’s talk about hypergamy.

“Hypergamy” is the idea that women—often unconsciously—seek partners of equal or higher social, economic, or educational level. Partners that match their status, resources, ambitions, and lifestyle. 

It’s rooted in evolutionary biology—historically, “marrying up” offered security and resources. Today it can manifest as a preference for someone who’s financially stable, well-educated, or socially influential. 

The instinct is in chimps too.

Ever watched Netflix’s Chimp Empire? In a chimp colony, high-ranking males have all the luck. They get the best food, the prime resting spots, and, well, the majority of female attention.

(Yes, even in the animal kingdom, the phrase “tall, dark, and handsome” has a pull.)

While hypergamy helps name a part of human nature, it’s something that we are not comfortable applying to ourselves. 

But like it or not, humans are opportunistic. Like other mammals, we are status-conscious creatures. And some of us primates need more social clout and validation than others. 

Boat shoes, to that woman, might’ve been shorthand for “He doesn’t measure up to the status of the guy I have in my head.” 

Two Sides of the Same Evolutionary Coin

If hypergamy is nature’s way of encouraging women to “date up” for partners with higher status, then the male counterpart is to “date down” and pursue multiple relationships and maximize reproductive success through fertility.

Think about it, how many billionaires are dating women decades younger than them? 

Or how an average-looking surgeon can do pretty well on the dating market, despite his looks.

These relationships reflect the deeply rooted evolutionary dance we’re all still participating in, consciously or not.

But here’s where it gets interesting. If hypergamy pushes women to filter for the "best" partner, men’s drive to secure fertility creates a kind of balancing act. 

Women’s standards climb higher; they don’t settle and demand more from their partners. And men counter with power, resources– and plastic surgery and private jets to secure the most fertile mates.

It’s a tango that’s as old as time, but it raises the question: are we simply puppets of our DNA, or can we outgrow these primal scripts?

As evolved as we think we are, are we just playing out nature’s grand, sometimes absurd, game?

Why the Old Rules of Love Don’t Fit the New Reality 

Evolutionary psychologists believe this age-old practice of women “marrying up” in status and men “marrying down” in income, or age—has kept the dating economy humming for centuries. 

A system that, for better or worse, worked. Until now.

In the last few decades, the equation has shifted. Women are more educated, more ambitious, and more financially independent than ever. They’ve climbed the ladder, smashed the ceilings, and suddenly looked around to find—where did all the men go? 

And it’s not just women feeling the squeeze. 

At the other end of the spectrum, disenfranchised younger men—those without degrees, stable incomes, or even the motivation to leave their parents' basements—are finding themselves excluded from the dating pool altogether. Gaming, incel subcultures, and a Jordan Peterson podcast later, they’re not exactly thriving.

READER POLL

So, Are We All Doomed?

Yes and no. While hypergamy is hardwired into our DNA, it doesn’t have to control our lives. Understanding and acknowledging that it exists is the first step to navigating it. 

But it is a useful lens that explains why many women might struggle when they surpass male peers in education or earnings. And it can shed light on modern dating frustrations and expectations, helping us see where certain preferences or pressures come from.

For what it’s worth, there’s also these words of wisdom to chew on:

To be clear, hypergamy doesn’t mean every woman consciously looks for someone who’s ‘better’ in every way. It’s more about a historical and biological tendency. And not every woman fits this pattern exactly so it doesn’t mean women can’t or don’t make independent choices. 

But it does help to know the instinct is at play even if you don’t fully agree with it.

So, if you find yourself or others prioritizing certain traits (status, income, looks), it can be useful to ask, “What am I really looking for? Is it status and validation or genuine connection?”

Self-awareness allows you to work with your instincts without being ruled by them.

The bottomline is that finding a compatible partner in a shifting societal landscape is challenging—and not entirely within our control.

It isn’t about compromising but about recalibrating our expectations to align with both our instincts and our deeper needs.

To the many successful people I work with, I remind them that the solution is deceptively simple but profound: stop chasing “upward” and start looking “inward.”

Redefine your metrics. Instead of seeking someone who checks societal boxes, focus on someone who:

• Encourages your growth.

• Matches your values and vision for life.

At the end of the day, it’s never really about the partner or the job or the house. It’s about what we believe we need to feel safe, loved, and worthy.

The world is in flux. You don’t have to play by the old rules. You can shift your focus inward, redefine security on your own terms.

And that’s a shift worth making.

Shakila