The Brutal Truth About People Pleasing

Hey there,

I was with a client recently— an accomplished attorney who runs her own law firm, has a team of employees, and is the kind of woman who can hold her own in any courtroom.

But when it comes to movie night? She crumbles.

She’s dating a guy obsessed with Star Wars and Dune. Every date night, it’s Jedi philosophies and sandworm monologues.

She secretly loathes every second—but instead of saying so, she nods, smiles, and pretends to be fascinated.

When I asked why she doesn’t just tell him, she shrugged.

"I guess I just don’t want to let him down."

It’s wild, isn’t it? How even the strongest, most capable people struggle with the fear of disappointing others.

If you’ve ever been called a people-pleaser, chances are it wasn’t meant as a compliment.

A people-pleaser is someone who prioritizes others’ happiness at their own expense, often sacrificing time, energy, and boundaries to avoid conflict or disapproval.

Psychologist Dr. Susan Newman explains that people-pleasers will do whatever it takes to keep those around them happy.

For many, it’s almost addictive—the validation of being needed makes them feel worthy. But beneath it all? Insecurity and a fear of not being enough.

That’s the trap: people pleasing disguises itself as kindness. But in reality, it’s a form of self-betrayal.

Because kindness is given freely, from a place of love.

People-pleasing is driven by fear - fear of rejection, disapproval, or conflict.

And that distinction changes everything.

Brutal Truths About People-Pleasing

1. People-Pleasing is a Survival Response

People-pleasing isn’t just about being ‘nice.’ It’s a conditioned response rooted in survival.

If you grew up in an environment where approval equaled safety, your brain learned to prioritize keeping others happy—at your own expense.

Psychologist Pete Walker describes this as the fawn response in trauma.

Unlike fight, flight, or freeze, fawning means you cope by appeasing others, diffusing conflict, and keeping the peace.

2. Your Brain Treats Rejection Like Physical Pain

Studies from UCLA found that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain.

This means that when you say no and someone reacts negatively, your brain registers it as an actual injury.

This is why setting boundaries can feel so uncomfortable—it literally hurts.

But here’s the thing: discomfort isn’t danger. And learning to tolerate that discomfort is the key to breaking the cycle.

3. Over-Giving Leads to Resentment

Have you ever found yourself saying yes—only to stew in frustration later?

That’s because giving out of obligation, not desire, creates resentment.

Brené Brown says: “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.”

4. Saying “Yes” Has Become a Habit

For people-pleasers, one of the biggest fears is that setting boundaries will make people angry.

Over time, this fear turns saying “yes” into a reflex—an ingrained habit.

But like any bad habit, it needs replacing.

So instead of an automatic “yes” make it a rule to default to: “Let me get back to you.”

Because here’s the truth: people who respect you will respect your limits.

The ones who don’t? They were benefiting from your lack of them.

Dr. Harriet Braiker, in The Disease to Please says that people-pleasers attract ‘takers’—those who thrive on others overextending themselves. The moment you stop, they push back.

5. Boundaries Make Relationships Stronger, Not Weaker

It might feel like setting boundaries will push people away, but research suggests the opposite.

Boundaries create mutual respect—which actually strengthens relationships.

Think about the people you respect most. Chances are, they have clear boundaries and don’t overextend themselves.

That’s because confidence, not self-sacrifice, builds connection.

Why People-Pleasing is Actually a Superpower

Yes, unchecked people-pleasing is unhealthy.

But what if those same qualities that make you a people-pleaser—empathy, adaptability, intuition— could actually be your greatest strength?

People-pleasers are often:

✔️ Highly emotionally intelligent

✔️ Incredible at reading a room

✔️ Masters at de-escalating conflict

✔️ Skilled at building deep, meaningful connections

These aren’t weaknesses. These are leadership skills.

The key is learning how to use them without self-abandonment. That’s the key to transforming people-pleasing into an asset.

READER POLL

Final Thoughts

The world doesn’t need fewer caring, empathetic, emotionally intelligent people—it needs more people who care.

So, the solution isn’t to stop caring. It’s to care without constantly sacrificing yourself in the process.

When we use our people-pleasing tendencies with intention, we become a powerhouse of influence, connection, and emotional intelligence.

A study by Adam Grant in Give and Take found that the most successful people aren’t takers or extreme givers—they’re “smart givers” who balance generosity with self-respect.

The same logic applies here: the best connectors, leaders, and relationship-builders aren’t the ones who give endlessly, but those who give wisely.

So the next time you catch yourself saying yes out of fear, pause.

Ask yourself: Am I giving because I want to? Or because I feel like I have to?

Because people-pleasing isn’t the problem. Doing it unconsciously is.

Live with intention, not obligation.

Shakila

P.S. Need a laugh? Watch SNL’s People Pleaser Support Group

Also, here’s the results of last week’s poll.