Stop Being Right, Start Being Heard

A simple fix for arguments that spiral

Author

Shakila
March 30, 2025 • Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes

Hi there,

I once watched a brilliant attorney demolish his opponent in court.

His evidence? Factual. Fireproof.
His arguments? Flawless.
His style? Fierce.

He mopped the floor with his adversary.

But when the jury returned, they stunned the courtroom.
They ruled against him.

Why?

Because being right isn’t the same as being liked or respected. He had won the battle of words but he lost the room. His relentless, cutthroat performance left the jury untouched and unmoved.

That day, I learned what no law book ever teaches and it changed everything. Since then, I’ve walked into every room, every conversation, every relationship with one aim:

Not to conquer, but to connect. Because winning without connection isn’t winning at all.

Why Winning Isn’t Everything

Winning might be the end goal in the courtroom.
But in life? Not so much.

Our fiercest arguments rarely happen with strangers. They happen with the people we love.

Partner. Friends. Family. People who are supposed to be on our team.

And somehow, the sharpest words, the worst timing, and the deepest cuts find their way into those conversations.

The trouble is, when you win by making someone you love feel small, unheard, or unloved, the only one applauding is you. And even you won’t be clapping for long.

Because years from now, you won’t remember who was right. But you’ll remember how you made them feel. And so will they.

❝

“Judge your moves by their long-term effects on other people.”

Robert Greene

When Conversations Turn into Battles

You know the feeling.

It starts small. A sigh, a side-eye, or a sharp remark you barely meant. In seconds, that flicker of frustration explodes and you’re both trapped in a verbal wildfire.

Your heart’s pounding. Your words come out sharper than you planned. And now you’re not arguing about dishes, money, or whose turn it was.

You’re fighting to not lose. To not be small. To not be wrong.

I know it all to well. I used to think winning was everything. With every fight, every disagreement, I wanted to come out on top. Partner, parent, siblings, colleagues, it didn’t matter. I chased the satisfaction of being “right.”

I thought that if I could hold my ground, prove my case, out-logic and out-argue, the room would yield and I would feel safe again.

But love doesn’t live in victory. And, sometimes, winning costs more than it gives.

Psychologist John Gottman, after decades of studying relationships, nailed it:

It’s not whether we fight, it’s how we fight that determines whether love deepens or dissolves. Turns out, there’s even a magic ratio for healthy conflict.

Yet most of us interrupt, defend, attack… then regret.

And what’s left?
Not a win.
Not closeness.

Just unseen bruises we both carry long after the words fade.

How to Hit P.A.U.S.E.

Not long ago, I learned a deceptively simple tool from psychotherapist Dr. Jon Connelly that changed how I navigate heated conversations. He calls it the Walkie-Talkie Method.

It’s exactly what it sounds like: one person talks, the other listens. But don’t let the simplicity fool you. It’s the most practical thing I’ve found for keeping connection intact when emotions run high.

I think of it as a way to hit P.A.U.S.E. on a heated conversation, instead of spiraling into one of those pointless loops where both people are talking but no one is listening.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1: Pause & Call “Walkie-Talkie”

Pause to shift out of battle mode.

The moment you feel the tension rising, call it: “Walkie-Talkie.” This is your built-in pause button.

🎯 Power play: Be the first person to have the presence of mind to call “pause.”

Step 2: Assign Roles

Person who calls “pause” gets to pick if they want to:

A) Transmit (speak)
B) Receive (listen)

The power position is to be the listener.
Why? Because one of you is bound to be more heated.

If it’s not you, you’re already in control.

Your move is to zip it, listen, and reflect. Don’t defend. Don’t correct.

Try to find anything (even one molecule) you can agree with. Even if the person says: “You’re the most evil person on Earth, and it would’ve been better if you were never born.”

You can still go: “Okay. So you’re angry. I hear that.” That’s all. That’s winning. Seriously.

Remember when your both transmitting and no one’s receiving, it’s like trying to feed oatmeal to someone mid-vomit.

Messy.
Ineffective.
And you’ll both regret it.

🎯 Power play: Choose to be the listener and find as many teeny, tiny molecule(s) of agreement as you can!

Step 3: Unpack

The Transmitter speaks about their own experience.

Use “I” statements, not “you always” missiles and character assassinations.

✅ “I felt shut out when...”
🚫 “I think you’re the worst person I’ve ever met.” (That might start with “I,” but it ends with war.)

Bonus points if you finish with: “Over and out” …because nothing defuses rage like sounding like a mall cop.

🎯 Power play: Say what’s real. About you. Start with “I” statements.

Step 4: Speak or Step Back

The Receiver (aka listener) has two options:

Option 1️⃣: Speak to reflect back what you understood.
Option 2️⃣: Or step back.

The receiver can either reflect back molecules of agreement (remember?) or say: “I need a break.”

Taking a break is allowed. In fact, its wise if things get overwhelming.

But taking break isn’t an escape plan so you can fester or brood. Get some air, calm your nerves, and move the energy out of your body.

Pro tip: Usually 20-30 mins is a good cooling off period.

If you called for a break, you’re responsible for bringing the conversation back later.

🎯 Power play: The listener chooses the pace and can call for a cooling off period, if they need it.

Step 5: Exchange or End

Hold space for all emotions

Once one person has transmitted, and the other has received, that’s it. It’s over. You can flip roles later, but not immediately. Let it settle.

Not for days, not for weeks, just long enough to let the steam out of the pressure cooker. According to research, that’s 20-30 minutes (minimum) up to 24 hours (maximum).

🎯 Power play: Ask how can we work together as a team to find connection over conquest in this situation?

Why It Works

When we argue, it’s rarely adult versus adult. It’s usually two hurt kids in grown-up clothes, both grabbing for the wheel at the same time.

The Walkie-Talkie Method slows everything down.

It lets your adult selves take the wheel, making space for respect, clarity, and most of all, connection. And yes, it works like magic with kids too.

Next time you’re about to slip into the classic “No I didn’t — Yes you did!” duet, pause, and try this instead.

Your nervous system and your relationships will thank you.

Because connection isn’t built by who talks the loudest. It’s built by who listens when it’s hardest.

Final Thought

In court, shouting rarely wins cases.
Calm, deliberate words do.

Why? Because composure draws people in.
Yelling only pushes them away.

And the same holds true in life.

Law school taught me how to argue. But life taught me the wisdom of restraint.

Because winning isn’t about crushing someone you love.
It’s about understanding and reaching them.

Real victory is setting your ego down, softening your stance, and truly listening.

You don’t have to win every argument.

Sometimes the greatest strength:
– Is losing gracefully.
– Choosing connection over conquest.
– Prioritizing teamwork over triumph.

After all, your loved ones aren’t opponents, they’re teammates, in the courtroom of life and across the kitchen table.

Real teammates don’t keep score or conquer. They connect.

Over and out, 🫡 

Shakila

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