Nothing Is as Good or as Bad as It Seems

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Hi there,

A few years ago, I spent ten days in complete silence at a Vipassana meditation retreat in the English countryside.

Upon check-in, I surrendered my phone and from then on no talking, no reading, no writing. Basically sensory deprivation for people who overthink professionally.

So for 10 days, it was just me, my mind, and the slow realization that I might not be as peaceful as I thought.

I’ve always fancied myself a wordsmith, but there was one word I’d never heard of before that retreat: equanimity.

By day three, it was echoing in the quiet(er) chambers of my mind: “Maintain equanimity.”

At first, it sounded like monk-speak for “Don’t lose your shit.” But by day ten, I understood it as something far more profound. Now, I see it as a major life skill to be able to stay centered when life tilts hard in either direction.

The Stockdale Paradox

Admiral Jim Stockdale learned that lesson in the harshest possible place, in a prisoner-of-war camp in Vietnam.

After his plane was shot down, he spent seven years in captivity where there was no hope or certainty. Day in and day out, he saw men breaking under the weight of time.

When he was finally freed and asked how he survived, he said:

“I never lost faith in the end of the story,” he said. “But I also never confused that faith with the need to confront the brutal facts of my current reality.”

Stockdale said he noticed something strange: the men who died first were the optimists. The ones who kept saying, “We’ll be out by Christmas.” Then Christmas came and went. So did Easter. So did hope.

But he refused both extremes, blind optimism and utter despair.

That became known as the Stockdale Paradox: holding two truths at once, i.e. this is awful and it won’t last forever.

That’s what kept him alive.

The Pendulum of Perspective

We all live inside smaller versions of that camp. Someone loses a job and thinks life is over only to find a better fit six months later. But in the moment, they can’t see it. They’re too close to the wreckage.

An Olympic athlete wins gold and later spirals into depression. The moment that was supposed to complete them feels strangely hollow.

Psychologists call it hedonic adaptation: our tendency to return to an emotional baseline after both triumph and tragedy.

In one famous study, researchers compared lottery winners to accident survivors who suffered major loss. Within a year, both groups reported nearly identical levels of happiness.

We adapt faster than we think. That’s because our brains aren’t wired for euphoria or despair, but for equilibrium.

The moment we believe “this is forever”, whether joy or pain, we step out of truth. Because it never is.

When Perspective Gets Distorted

We forget this truth most when we’re looking through the wrong lens.

Online, you see someone’s highlight reel and think they’ve figured it out.
Turn on the news, and it feels like the world’s falling apart.
Scroll long enough, and everyone else’s life seems cleaner, safer, easier.

But equanimity reminds us nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems.

Years ago, when I was living in a conflict zone, my family would call in a panic after seeing headlines on CNN.

“Are you safe?” they’d ask, voices tight with worry.

And I’d be sitting on a balcony, listening to children playing in the street. Birds chirping in the trees. A vendor calling out fresh bread. Life was still happening.

The world they were watching didn’t match the one I was living. Cable news had me in a war zone. I was literally watching kids play soccer next to a goat

That’s how perception works. It amplifies the noise and edits out the quiet.

The economy, politics, the job market, the housing market, social media, it’s all the same distortion.

Zoom out, and you see both things at once: chaos and calm, endings and beginnings, loss and renewal.

READER POLL

Final Thought

When things feel unbearable, remember, it’s temporary.
When things feel incredible, remember, it’s temporary.

Both truths set you free.

They free you from reacting to every gust of emotion. From building shrines to your wins or graves for your losses. From believing that now equals always.

When the highs feel too high and the lows feel too loud, find your footing in the middle.

That’s where truth lives.

After all, nothing stays the same and that’s not the problem. That’s the mercy.

Stay balanced,

Shakila

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