How to set "Boundaries" without feeling like a total jerk— or a total doormat.

Hey beautiful mind,

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the seasons when “boundaries” disappear faster than the gravy. Yep, it’s that time when Uncle Joe asks how much you make, Aunt Leila wants to know why you’re still single, and your cousin “borrows” your sweater without asking…again.

Seems that boundary-crossing is universal, but how it can play out in your life depends on where you’re from. For some, boundaries are the line between being a loving friend and colleague or hiding in a bathroom stall to dodge weekend plans.

Anyone else? No. Just me? Ok, moving on…

Having lived in the US, UK, Spain, and the Middle East, I’ve seen boundaries handled in wildly different ways.

The West has ‘boundaries’ down to a science complete with inspirational quotes, scented candles, and monogrammed throw pillows that proudly claim ‘No Means No.’

But in the East, boundaries are more like invisible lines. They are harder to draw, enforce, and hold onto than a bar of soap that keeps slipping around in the shower.

Eastern Boundaries = Blurred Lines

Once, while living and working in the Middle East, I complimented a colleague on her earrings. They were beautiful. I meant the compliment casually, expecting a simple "Thank you!" Instead, she smiled, reached up, took off her earrings, and handed them to me.

Just like that. Without a second thought.

There I was staring at the earrings in my hand, stunned and torn about what to do next.

Do I keep them? Do I give them back? Do I tell her I like her matching necklace too?

See, in the West, this move would be unthinkable. Here, if someone compliments your earrings, you say “thank you” and go about your day. Compliments don’t usually require follow-up action.

But in Eastern collectivist societies? You give them the earrings because the act of giving runs deeper, and boundaries are more fluid. Individual desires take a backseat to the collective goodwill of the group or community. The lines between “mine” and “yours” are blurred and dissolve faster than a sugar cube in tea.

This generosity is beautiful. There’s an honesty and deep connection that binds people in a belief that each of us is a stitch in the fabric of everyone else’s lives.

So, if someone admires something you own, you give it. If a friend needs a place to stay, you make space. Compliments, inappropriate questions, nagging curiosities—they are voiced freely and flow in and out without any barriers.

But it can also terrify. Slip up and say, “I like your ring,” and you might accidentally enter a lifelong commitment you didn’t bargain for!

Western Boundaries = Blunt “No’s”

Fast forward to my return to the West, and the pendulum swung dramatically. After being in a world where boundaries felt like whispers, I was now in a land where they sounded more like megaphones.

In the West, boundaries are as subtle as a car alarm at 3 a.m.—you will know they’re there. Here you don’t just say “no”; you say “no” with a smile, a time-stamped agenda, and a healthy dose of “self-care.” A confident "no" is a badge of honor, signaling freedom, clarity, efficiency, and independence.

I remember I once asked a friend for a ride to the airport—classic “friend” favor, right? Well, not so much. My friend gave me a polite but flat-out “I can’t make that work.” Just like that, end scene.

I was taken aback. In the East, a “no” like that would come with two hours of apologizing, a backup plan, and at least three invitations to stay over.

Here, it was like, “No, and best of luck to you.” I felt a little sting. Not because my friend was wrong to say no, but because the word carried a finality that felt… cold. And frankly, sometimes I’m envious of it.

People in the West have cracked the code on putting yourself first, saying no without guilt, and managing to avoid things you just don’t feel like doing. It’s a place where saying no is often seen as strong, even healthy. But still, sometimes it feels a little clinical and disconnecting.

It’s true that the Western boundary style tends to preserve one’s own well-being, but sometimes it can seem like it’s preserving it at all costs—emotional distance, a kind of standoffish independence. But then again “personal space” and a healthy distance in the East is more of a suggestion than a rule. And sometimes your business is, well, everyone else’s business too. So, is there room for balance?

The Boundary Balancing Act

I mean, both approaches have their merits—and their quirks (aka challenges). But what if we blended the best of both worlds?

Assertiveness with grace. A “no” that’s kind or a “yes” that also doesn’t sacrifice your sanity or wellbeing. Here’s a few tips to try:

Tips for the Middle Path

The Shift: Where Do We Go From Here?

If there’s one thing I hope you take from this, it’s that boundaries aren’t just barriers; they’re bridges. They’re ways for us to show each other where we stand, sure, but they also they give us a place from which to meet each other.

So if you find you’re stuck between the Western “Hard pass—no” and the Eastern “sure-take-my-left-kidney,” see if there’s a way you can honor yourself while honoring others.

The secret, I think, is realizing that boundaries don’t have to be rigid or fixed. You don’t have to choose a hard no/hard yes. You can blend. You can bend.

Until next time— hold your boundaries lightly and find your own true balance.

Xo,

Shakila

p.s. here’s the results of last week’s poll.