Change the Way You Think About Saying No

Hey beautiful mind,

Last week, I had a tiny, glorious victory at the grocery store—a place where my old people-pleasing ways used to come out to play.

Picture this scene.

It’s early morning. I’m clutching my reusable bags, ready for a quick milk-and-bananas run, practically in stealth mode to dodge any human interaction. But as I approach the automatic doors, I spot him—Salvation Army Guy, ringing his bell, already making direct eye contact.

He flashes a grin that says, I see you, and I’m ready for your spare change.

Here’s the thing: I’m all for charity, but that morning, I just wanted to grab my groceries, slip back into work mode, and keep my wallet and my emotional dignity intact.

But this was one of those freeze-frame moments for a recovering people-pleaser like me. My impulse was to rummage for a donation to avoid that feeling.

Instead, something in me shifted. I thought, What if I didn’t feel bad? What if I just… went inside?

So, I did it. I gave him a polite smile, a confident “Not today, but thank you for the work you’re doing.” And I sauntered in, leaving him with his bell and a bucket of expectations.

And you know what? The world didn’t collapse.

The donation guy didn’t chase me down the sidewalk to give me a lecture on goodwill. Passing drivers didn’t come to a screeching halt to give me death stares for dissing the Salvation Army Santa. And absolutely no one pulled out a mirror for a soul-check. Plus, I didn’t have to check off “overcommitted do-gooder” from my grocery list.

I emerged from that store feeling light, almost like I’d cracked some kind of adulting code. And that’s when it hit me: most of us struggle with boundaries because we’ve been practicing bad ones for way too long.

7 Signs You Might Have Bad Boundaries 

Moving Beyond Just “Yes” and “No”

Boundaries aren’t an all-or-nothing game. They’re more of a sliding scale than a light switch. Think of them as a “how much” question that defines how much time, energy, and resources you want to give.

Here’s a quick self-check you can use next time you’re faced with a decision:

- How much time do I have to give?
- How much energy can I devote here?
- How much mental space can I afford to share?

Boundaries aren’t about saying no. They’re about saying yes to yourself in just the right amount.

Building Your “No” Muscle 

If saying no makes you break into a sweat, remember that boundary-setting is a skill, not a talent. It’s like a muscle that needs training. Start small. Say no to the minor things—a request to join a committee you’re not interested in, or a coffee date that doesn’t fit your schedule. These little no’s add up, making it easier to say no to bigger asks without feeling like the world will implode.

A Final Word

Let’s be real: boundaries are tough. If you’re not used to saying no, it can feel downright revolutionary. Next time you see Salvation Army Guy (or anyone else trying to reel you in), remember: each little “no” is a “yes” to your peace, your time, and your life.

Until next time, friends, take good care!

Xo,

Shakila