Attachment Theory Gone Awry

Hi there,

Lately, it feels like the answer to every life problem is “figure out your attachment style.”

If I didn’t get the promotion I wanted then clearly I haven’t reparented myself well enough.

If my friendships feels one-sided then my inner child must be acting up again.

Or if you’re not in the right relationship? Then it’s time to process your trauma, compare attachment scores, and maybe run a joint astrology chart while you’re at it.

When a 1950s Study Peddles Self-Help Merch

Attachment theory started in the 1950s when John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth studied how kids reacted to being separated from their parents. Some clung like a koala, some went full ice queen, and some just… kept playing with the blocks.

Now, 70 years later, the internet has turned it into a lifestyle category. We’ve got:

• #AttachmentTheory TikToks with hundreds of millions of views

• Quizzes like “Which Harry Potter Character Matches Your Attachment Style?”

• Dating apps that promise to pair you with someone just as securely attached as you (translation: you both like dogs)

• And even merch like “Little Miss Anxious Attachment” T-shirts

And here’s where my eyebrow starts twitching.

Somewhere along the way, this useful bit of research psychology became a trap. Instead of asking “Is this person good for me?” women are asking “Is my anxious attachment making me overreact?”

The problem is that we’ve traded the language of life for the language of diagnosis. And diagnosis can be the perfect way to avoid action.

Whats more is that the label has become a way to explain away bad relationships. And I’m seeing it everywhere:

• He ghosts you for three days? Not him being disrespectful. It’s your abandonment wound.

• He criticizes everything from your cooking to your laugh? That’s just your “rejection sensitivity.”

• He’s colder than a gas station fridge? Must be your dependent personality disorder.

And it’s not just random people on TikTok. I see this in my own life, with women who are smart, successful, and should know better.

Just last week, I met a friend for coffee. She’s one of those people everyone describes as “a total catch.” She has a brilliant career, looks like she has her life in perfect order, could probably run a Fortune 500 company before lunch.

And yet, every time we meet, she’s got a new theory about why her love life isn’t working. One month, it’s her “fearful-avoidant attachment.” The next, she’s decided she’s “anxious-preoccupied.” Last time, she had taken a quiz that told her she was “polysecure”… which I think just meant she was dating a guy who didn’t want to commit.

Over oat milk lattes, she unrolled this elaborate analysis of her last breakup. I finally asked, “Okay, but… was he actually ever nice to you?” She paused, and said, “Well… not really.”

That’s it. That’s the whole thing. Sometimes the diagnosis is just a distraction from the obvious answer.

Self-Improvement Delusion

The truth that people don’t want to hear is that sometimes you’re not “overreacting.” But therapy-speak online makes everything sound like a you-problem. Instead of recognizing a relationship that’s wrong for you, you dig deeper into self-work so you can keep the wrong person.

And let’s be real, modern dating would make anyone “anxious”… ghosting, situationships, dating apps offering infinite choice with zero accountability, etc... But instead of pointing out the insanity, we tell women to “work on themselves” so they can better tolerate it.

Instead of pointing out that maybe this environment is insane, the message becomes: get better at tolerating it. Learn to be “polysecure.” Meditate, incense, or sage away the fact that you haven’t had a real date in six months.

I get why it’s everywhere. Relationships are messy. People can behave in ways that are baffling and painful, with no clear fix. Frameworks like this can make sense of the chaos. But they also give us a false sense of control. It’s far more comfortable to believe you’re anxiously attached or he’s avoidant than to face the truth and admit that someone doesn’t care about you.

I’m not against attachment theory. It’s useful, sometimes. But the glaring omission in all these quizzes and courses is that they almost never ask about the actual relationship.

Is this person showing up? Are they consistent? Or are you mainlining TikTok therapy videos at 2am, diagnosing yourself while ignoring that your partner just forgot your birthday?

The heartbreak is reading posts from women who, after months of panic and self-blame, leave… and their “attachment issues” vanish. Turns out they weren’t anxiously attached. They were just with the wrong person. I am hoping that my friend will come to realize this too, sooner rather than later.

Final Thought

I’m done with this modern myth that being “healthy” means never needing anyone, keeping every attachment at arm’s length, and talking to the person you love like you’re in a performance review. That isn’t strength. It’s emotional malnutrition.

Real love isn’t sterile. It’s messy, risky, and deeply felt. You will ache for someone. You will miss them. You will care enough to be afraid of losing them. And that’s not weakness. It’s the proof you’re alive.

So here’s the unsolicited advice I gave my friend:

Don’t treat wanting deep connection like it’s a medical diagnosis.

Don’t punish yourself for wanting loyalty and consistency.

Don’t let “working on yourself” be the excuse for tolerating garbage behavior.

Love is risky. But your standards shouldn’t be.

If you’re anxious in every relationship, yes, maybe get some support. But if one relationship in particular makes you feel like a live wire? Maybe it’s time to stop labeling.

Here’s the real checklist:

• Does this person make you feel safe?

• Do they show up?

• Are you sleeping at night instead of crying into your pillow at 2am?

If the answer’s “no” across the board, you don’t need another course, IG coach, or a Buzzfeed quiz to tell you your attachment style. You need an exit strategy.

Because sometimes the most mentally healthy thing you can do isn’t “heal your attachment style.” It’s to leave.

See you next week,

Shakila

P.S. Here’s the results of last week’s poll.