Alone, Not Lonely

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Hey beautiful mind,

With the U.S. presidential election looming everyone seems a little on edge. So, let’s shift our focus because going into the rabbit hole of conspiratorial doom is not helpful. Neither is reading semi-accurate predictions from half-baked statisticians. And live CNN updates won’t do your anxiety levels any favors either.

Seriously, if you’re feeling burnt out, get off the internet and focus on your well-being.

Take a bath, go for a walk, journal, nap, binge-watch Netflix, spend time with family or friends—whatever helps you feel balanced. Do that.

For the rest of you…

At a time when we all want to crawl into a hole and hide, I couldn’t think of a better time to talk about solitude. 

I’ve spent half my adult life outside the U.S., in third-world countries that weren’t the safest places in the world. So, I’ve had to adjust to a solitary life behind fortified walls.

Cue the collective gasp.

Yes, I know — we’ve all heard about how loneliness is deadly (thanks for the uplifting memo, Surgeon General). But if solitude really cuts years off your life, I should’ve been gone by the mid-2000s. But here I am, defying science and screwing up their stats!

I’ve always felt that solitude was different from loneliness, despite what the research said. Now finally some emerging research backs me up on this by showing that solitude is like spinach for our mental Popeye—it strengthens, renews, and energizes.

But meanwhile, other research still continues to fuel people’s fear of being alone. Like a recent study showing that Americans are becoming homebodies but they aren't happier or more connected because their "aloneness" isn't voluntary or intentional. This kind of aloneness is where you're home alone scrolling through news and social media (and no, your DoorDash guy doesn’t count as "social interaction").

So what gives?

Team Lone Wolf v. Team Wolf Pack

Well, Team Lone Wolf (the science that embraces solitude) say that solitude has long been misunderstood and stigmatized in the research. They argue that Team Wolf Pack (researchers who argue we are better in groups) have misclassified solitude with loneliness or social isolation and casted in a negative light.

Lone Wolf researchers argue that solitude, when chosen intentionally, can help with emotional regulation and self-reflection. The leading researcher who runs the “Solitude Lab” (yes, it’s a real thing), at U.K.’s Durham University says solitude isn’t about isolation and sitting in a dark corner staring at the wall—it’s an intentional pause, a chance to actually hear yourself think. It’s about reconnecting with yourself. And creating empty space for something to emerge from the chaos of background noise. 

The case for ghosting everyone (just for a bit!)

For the first time in history, virtual connections outnumber real-life ones. Our lives are being increasingly overtaken by digital landscapes - remote work, online dating, driverless cars, telehealth and medicine, online shopping – you name it. Virtually everything that we used to do in person is now online.

Our hands are tethered to pings and dings while our hearts ache for real connection. And this isn’t a passing trend. It’s a tidal wave of digital noise that risks drowning out our sense of self.

In a future obsessed with constant connectivity, solitude will no longer be just a personality quirk. It will be a survival skill. Here’s why embracing solitude, even “ghosting” people on occasion, might just be the most powerful way to survive in an always-on world:

1. It’s the Ultimate Detox: Socializing, even with friends/family, can drain energy reserves—especially if you’re always on. Solitude is like a mental reset, a detox for the mind. Without others’ emotions or expectations clouding things, you get a break from “performance mode,” making room to recharge authentically.

2. Clears Mental Clutter: Ghosting everyone for a day or two can be like Marie Kondo-ing your brain. In solitude, thoughts naturally organize themselves, and you end up with clarity you didn’t even realize you had with all the constant noise.

3. Builds Self-Trust: Alone time forces us to confront and explore who we are and what we truly value. When you regularly enjoy your own company, you build a strong foundation of self-reliance—knowing you can handle life without relying on constant social validation.

4. Liberates You from People-Pleasing: Ever felt obligated to respond to texts or attend an event you weren’t up for? A routine of solitude puts you back in the driver’s seat. By prioritizing time alone, you learn to say “no” without guilt, curating your social life to match what genuinely makes you happy.

5. Stimulates Creativity and Self-Discovery: Alone with your thoughts, you gain insights and ideas that don’t typically get air time. When the constant stream of inputs goes away, outputs of self-discovery, insights, and growth rise to the surface.

Which side are you on?

To anyone who either scoffs at the need to be alone or who worries that being alone is somehow not OK or even harmful, know that you are not alone in this.

With all the conflicting research and attached stigma, it’s no wonder we are all scared to death of solitude. But despite it all, true connection with the world starts with a real connection with yourself. That’s the ultimate growth hack.

Now that we have a better grasp of it— which one are you? And how can you embrace a little more alone time to fuel you?

Working in Groups

Asking for Help

Being in Social Settings

Public Recognition 

Inner Compass/Sense of Direction

Shift away from the noise

When was the last time you talked to yourself without a ding, a ping, or other distraction? I know with jobs, kids, and family, finding solitude is hard. Believe me, I'm just a cat away from being JD Vance’s stereotypical single cat lady.

But what if you reframed solitude? Not as some daunting “live in a mountain cave” ordeal, but as something as simple as shutting out the world for ten minutes here, half an hour there. No need to quit your job, sell your house, live in 3rd world countries, or do silent retreats (I admit I may’ve drank a little too much solitude KoolAid myself).

It’s more about carving out intentional pockets of time where you can just be. Picture yourself cozied up with a book, taking a solo walk, or savoring a quiet morning coffee without a single to-do list in sight.

The trick? Use that time to wind down rather than revving yourself up with emails or checking off items on your to-do list. Stop viewing alone time as something to fill and start seeing it as time to refill yourself.

Challenge for the week 

So, why not see if you can carve out a little “me time” this week? Embrace your inner homebody, but do it with intention. If you find it too daunting to truly disconnect, aim for tiny pockets of peace without devices or other distractions and build up from there.

In a world where everyone’s plugged in, the real advantage will be knowing when to unplug. When you’re back, drop me a note and lmk who it went for you!

Oh, and if you enjoyed this issue, share it with someone who needs a little peace in their life.

Xo,

Shakila

p.s. If you’re sick of election voting, you might like this fun poll instead!